I swear if one more person at CVS makes a face at my arm and my bruised knees, I'm going to them look them in the eye and say, "Rough Sex, jealous much?" Just so they stop looking. Because the truth is less fun (not that I would know to compare sex to a car accident, since I'm still doing the True-Love-Waits thing). The truth is I was merrily driving home from work, well under the speed limit because my baby Honda (born this year) got hit by a monster SUV from outer space. Ok, it wasn't from outerspace, it was from the left lane. It was tramatizing because, although I've had experience enough to know USAA's auto claim number, I've never been involved in the mating of two vehicles. Any way, I don't want to dish up the details on the world wide web since its a public domain, however I would like to offer up some advice for mis primitas and all of the other single ladies out there.
Tip Numero 1: Always always always take the ambulance.
My treasure, chances are you will be tramatized. You might be shouting, "The light was green the light was green" for hours before you realize you have been saying that for an hour. You just got hit by a Beast. No driving for you until hott EMT men look you over. Don't worry, the hot EMT's have seen women cry before. That mascara thats running? They think its endearing. And once you get to the hospital, you'll be glad you at least had the pleasure of their company, because (and I don't want to make generalizations here, but I'm right) the triage nurse is a bitch. Just sayin'. You might ask the EMTs if they could stop and bring B. T. N. (bitchy triage nurse) some flowers and coffee, but chances are, they just want to focus on you. (oh the beginnings of a beautiful relationship).
Tip Numero 2: Always always always keep a list of people who can drive you home.
Nothings worse than having a hotty EMT holding your hand while you climb down from the ambulance at the ER entrance and you realizing you're leaving the EMTs to the lonliness of the ER. If you have a list with you, you will be able to reach someone who can sit with you while you deal with the BTN. You should never face the BTN alone. She'll ask you stupid questions like "On a scale of one to ten. . . " Trust me, write the list. Now. Pick up that ancient thing called a pen, make a list and stick it in your wallet. Your cell phone will most likely die somewhere on the bottom of you purse before you find it.
Tip Numero 3: Don't flirt with the Rental Car Guy, he didn't graduate high school.
Once the BTN lets you go home, you'll want to get back out there and start living again. You'll need a rental car for this. Some rental cars will come and pick you up and take you to their place. Do not confuse this for a date. You may be tempted to pick out a nice outfit from your walk-in-closet, and straighten your hair, and leave your glasses at home. But don't. The burn on your arm stinks like sun screen and roasted pig, you need to read the contract before you sign it, and honey, he's selling cars to pay for high school. When he says he didn't go to college around-here, don't press to find out the answer. He didn't go to college any where, yet. In the words of Lady Gaga, "he's just a baby."
There you have it! Those are my tips! Have a nice weekend everyone!
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